People often refer to the ability to communicate well as a soft skill. There is nothing soft about being a leader who effectively communicates, nor is it the skill that makes you effective. Effective communication is a way of being. It comes from honoring the connection that we all share. You cannot lead from a place of disconnection. In order to connect with others we must become responsive.

In each thought and interaction regarding other people, you make a choice: you respond or you resist. When you respond to a person, you see that person as real. You will accord value to his thoughts, feelings, needs, and concerns. You see his needs as having as much importance as your own. Your focus is on what you are giving to the people around you.

When you resist another person you see her as an object. She is an obstacle or an inconvenience to you. She may be a potential vehicle for your success. Or, you may see her as unimportant in terms of your needs. You become a center of attention, and you focus on what you think others are giving, or not giving, to you.

Most of us have been instructed that “good people skills” means that we are nice to people. This is seen as soft. Poor people skills mean that we are not nice, or hard. Responsiveness is deeper than behavior. The choice, as a leader, is not between being soft or hard toward people. There are times to be soft and times to be hard; times to compliment, and times to reprimand; times to say yes, and times to say no. A leader must be able to do all of these things. It is why you do these things that makes the difference. What matters is your intent.

For example, if I compliment you, I want you to know how much I appreciate you or how much I appreciate what you have accomplished. My compliment is a gift to you. In this case you will probably feel good about the compliment. If I compliment you because I want you to do something for me or because I want you to like me, then the compliment is really for me, not for you. You will probably not feel good about the compliment.

Reprimanding can be defined as constructive feedback, as course correction, or as helping someone who has made a mistake. Reprimanding is not about punishing someone nor is it about getting someone back. It is a sincere form of help. You reprimand someone to help him, not necessarily to help you. Helping is not fixing. You help people; you fix objects. You reprimand from a place of concern, with honesty and respect. In the workplace, you do not allow people to slide by with substandard performance because that does not help them. You don’t allow people in your life to hurt you, hurt others, or take advantage of you because that is unhealthy both for you and for them.

The normal ego state is to be a center of attention. In this state we focus on what people are doing to us or on what they are doing for us. In this state we are resistant to the reality of others. When we employ our spiritual intelligence we shift from being a center of attention to being a center of influence. We begin to see people compassionately and without judgment. We have an intuitive sense of what they need from us. In this state we are responsive. We listen; we offer help – a hug, a kind word, a blessing, a compliment, or constructive feedback. When we are responsive, we feel good. When we resist, we withhold from others. We deny the help we could give. When we are resistant we often feel guilty, and we cover the guilt with justifications.

For example, my coworker tells me there is a problem with the computer. My inner voice says: “Just help her.” But I’m feeling a little irritated today. So I start thinking that I am tired of solving her computer problems again and again. Why can’t she get it? Why can’t she remember what to do? Doesn’t she know I have a lot to do? My thought to help is soon buried by my irritation, by my wanting my coworker to be smarter about computers and more considerate of my time. I think about how much I have to do and how I don’t have time for this. I fix the problem anyway, but there is an edge to my behavior and my speech. My coworker can sense it and feels put off by my attitude. I expect her to be grateful. After all I did fix this for the umpteenth time. I did take time away from my important doings to help her. The computer is fixed, but neither my coworker nor I feel happy about it. I see my coworker as ungrateful. She sees me as grumpy and irritable. We are resistant to each other.

The problem is that I fixed it for the wrong reason. I didn’t fix it for her. I fixed it to maintain my image as the “good” person or as a “spiritual” person. When I had the thought – “Just help her.” I was thinking about my coworker. When I had the thought that I am tired of solving this problem. I’m too busy for this – my focus was on me to the exclusion of my coworker. What happened? How did my coworker, someone who I could help, become someone I resent, who should have been grateful to me for my superhuman effort to help her?

Every moment offers me the choice of whether I see a person as an object or a person. When I choose to resist others I blame. I feel resentful, irritated, angry, disappointed, or indifferent. When I am resentful my resentment says: “He has made me resent him.” When I am irritated I say that it is so because he is irritating. My emotions always tell me that the other person made me feel this way.

When I see that I can help someone, I am a friend, a teacher, a coach, a leader. When I blame them I am their victim. When I do not act upon my feeling to be helpful my help turns to blame. I become the victim – powerless, a center of attention, wanting others to speak and act in certain ways so that I can feel okay.

My blaming turns to justification. I take refuge in self justifying images. I am the competent leader, the team player, the spiritual person, or I’m the the person with high standards. Once I create an image of myself as justification for not responding, it can become a way of life.

I am always the “spiritual person.” I am always a “team player.” Therefore, the problem here cannot be me. The problem is that she won’t learn how to use the computer correctly. This is the story I tell myself to justify my way of being. My belief in my story obscures my ability to see reality. The reality is – someone needs my help. I am able to help or I am not able to help. Either way, I can choose to be concerned for her needs and see her as a person. What if I am unable in this moment to fix the computer? I say so, but with a true concern for her needs. Whether I can or I can’t, I do not lose sight of her humanness.

The ego likes to create images and then tell you they are real. Once you have created an image of yourself you are continually doing image management. You will feel upset when the image is threatened. Your upset is not the truth. You cannot see reality because you are focused on your imagined reality – the one in which your image is fighting to survive. In the meantime, real reality is passing you by. Opportunities are passing you by. Self justifying images create resistance to what is. Resistance to what is means you become ineffective. We don’t like to see ourselves as ineffective so we take refuge in the image.

Think of the people you have issues with. What if you really listened? What if you listened, and even invited your critics to speak? What would you learn? What if you refused to take it personally? What if you focused your attention on their needs and their concerns, rather than on your image? What might you learn?

When we are laden with images to defend, we become self involved. Everything is about the self. Images such as: I am the competent manager; I am the good husband; and I am the kind person have us becoming the center of the Universe, expecting the people in our lives to revolve around us. Our images seem constantly under attack. We then become preoccupied with the self. We feel the stress, the irritation, the anger each time something happens that makes us feel attacked. We feel we must defend or attack back. We feel our very being is at risk. Yet, only our image is at risk. We can relax. We can ask ourselves: “What is really happening here? How might I respond in a way that is most helpful?”

As you listen to me speak these words, you may be thinking: I know a person like that. And someone you know comes to mind – someone who appears selfish to you. And as you think about how selfish this person is – are you seeing this person as real – as someone who has needs and goals just like you do? Or, is this person an object to you. Yes, it is true, some people are more selfish than others. But the self deception we create with resistance to others is a disease we are all susceptible to. There are moments every day when we are self deceived, when we are blaming someone else.

At the same time, we are each already responsive. We are each a center of influence. Fear makes us forget. Getting lost in our self images makes us forget who we are. We make assumptions about others and those assumptions seem real. We create images of other people. Next we find ourselves blaming and taking action contrary to who we are. We say to ourselves, “I cannot be myself with this person.” But who makes that decision?

Leaders are often afraid to confront poor performance. They say: “I don’t want to be the ‘bad guy.'” If you are focused on a concern for being the bad guy, who are you thinking about? In this sense the focus is on your image, not on the well-being of the person. If you enable poor performance by ignoring it, by avoiding honesty and caring – you are in a sense, the bad guy. You have chosen not to be helpful.

Some parents are afraid to say no to their child, fearing that they will be seen as a bad parent. Yet if you allow your child to do or have things that are not in their best interests, aren’t you being a “bad” parent then? Haven’t you traded approval for effectiveness?

There are times to praise and times to offer correction. There are times to say yes and times to say no. Communicate as a center of influence – responsive to the needs, concerns, goals and fears of another. Stop reacting to people and start seeing them. This will bring you insight. Insight will offer wisdom. And with wisdom you will respond.

Spiritual intelligence – the ability to choose spirit over ego, will grow as you spend more time being responsive to others. Your intent to be responsive will have you seeing deeply in to the people around you. Intuitively you will know what to say and what to do in order to be truly helpful to each person. Silence your need to be right or to make an impression. Silence your thoughts of judgment. From your inner silence an effective response will emerge.