Most people assume intimate relationships are for satisfying their emotional, mental and physical needs. These are true, but more and more people now look to relationships for the fulfillment of spiritual needs. “Spiritual” identifies the drive to transform consciousness… to improve, become better, more balanced, whole and fulfilled, and feel connected with the greater whole of life. Thus, they are attracted to people for the circumstance, inspiration and empowerment to make these changes more effectively than they can on their own.

Even if you have not been motivated for such a relationship, intimacy triggers conditioned negative perceptions and coping strategies. It’s natural. Such relationships are sometimes considered to be difficult or “karmic” relationships that should be avoided. However, to change, you must be triggered so you can gain the experience needed to understand your unique issues so you can transform them. You need relationship to do so.

Sharing the same coping strategy – like both shutting down and not communicating when triggered – renders mutual understanding, compassion, trust and resolution impossible. With opposing strategies – one withdraws while the other rages – there is continual conflict and stress without resolution, deepened trust, and love.

The devastating effect of these examples can make a once delightful relationship feel lifeless or torturous. Polarization and blame can bury the pleasure that drew you together beneath the confusion and misunderstanding of each episode, destroying all hope for trust and unconditional love. Without a transformational perspective, you can be forever sentenced to periodic or on-going frustration and pain.

Transformation is life’s natural and necessary process of change. Everything is changing all the time, by obvious and subtle degrees. From the initial relationship of sperm and ovum, for example, to the embryonic and fetal stages, then infancy to childhood, adolescence, adulthood and elder-hood, we constantly change, moment by imperceptible moment. These are natural phases in the process of transformation.

So it is with the transformation of human consciousness. I liken it to the change experienced by springtime seeds. It takes just the right amount of light and heat to arouse the life force within to germinate. Let’s take the seed of a Giant Sequoia. Moisture is needed to soften the protective seed shell.

Once softened, the expanding root can slip through and extend deep into the soil for stability and vital nourishment, while at the other end, the sprout can reach upward toward the warmth of the sun. In time, what was once a wee tiny seed is a towering Sequoia tree, providing protection and support to smaller life forms.

In the transformation of human consciousness, I see light as the invaluable information and knowledge acquired through experience – situation after situation. Heat is power – frustration and anger. Moisture softens the “ego,” endowing the humility acquired through making “mistakes” and learning “the hard way.”

Human growth needs this balance of dynamic forces: Information and knowledge (light) from life experience to provide the feedback needed to see our issues and the consequences of our choices. We must feel frustration or even anger (heat) to feel impelled to change. And we need humility (moisture) to soften our shields for the wisdom and power to sustain through the sometimes-arduous process of change. The cause-and-effect dynamics of our everyday experience, give us this light, heat, and moisture, from which we can, like the Giant Sequoia, expand into ever-greater forms.

With a spiritual partner, you can do this with more support, ingenuity and rapidity than you can on your own. If you know someone who will eagerly join you in this endeavor, you are blessed, indeed. Not only can this relationship be a source of ongoing, unlimited support, change and fulfillment, but it will also “train” you to relate with all people in ultimately positive and satisfying ways. It will build the confidence, strength and self-trust to sustain you in any relationship and through any situation. It will change you forever…

I am indeed blessed to witness this as I help intimate couples or collaborative partners. The difference in the sound of their voices between the first session and the last is truly night and day. When you understand what interferes with your respect, appreciation and harmony, enjoin to address it as it arises, and develop positive responses to negative ones, you are empowered and delivered to the arms of joy.

Understanding your issues, negative perceptions and coping strategies is a beginning. Yet, knowing how to change them is something else again. Specifically, you must know the perception that triggers your coping strategy, then identify the steps of that strategy, honestly assess its negative effects, commit to changing it, then replace it with a positive strategy.

This is key to the change in consciousness that facilitates liberation… not from an externally imposed slavery or confinement, but liberation from the tyranny of your own dysfunctional patterning and failure. This liberation delivers you into mutually satisfying relationships, and to freedom and success on all levels.

Spend some time going through the steps in the previous paragraph. When you have done so, think about the following questions:

• Recall and describe the fears, resistances and limiting patterns you experienced while completing completing this activity. List them in priority order and explain what you are ready to do about them.
• What must you learn, and what skills must you develop, to better serve your partner, especially through challenging times, or to be better prepared for this relationship when you meet each other? What resources will you draw upon? List the steps you will take and include dates, when appropriate.
• How have your ideas, perceptions or feelings about spiritual partnering developed or changed from completing this activity? What will you do, as a result?
• Reflect on the points especially important to you, and describe how you feel empowered.