Usually when I ask this question people look at me a bit blankly and mutter something about sunsets and soft music. ‘Yes’, I say, ‘but who are you when you’re in love? And who do you become when you’re looking for that special person?’ Most people respond by saying that they find themselves changed in ways they don’t expect by love. Some say they become jealous and controlling – and they hate the way they feel they have to be. Others say they become ‘doormats’, and they aren’t that happy about it either.

Love is like a camping trip in the wilds; all the things that worked pretty well at home suddenly don’t seem to apply anymore. That fine velvet jacket looks great in the swish restaurant but isn’t quite so good in the pouring rain.

That’s why we need to know who we are when we’re taken on that wild ride called love. Over the years of working as a counselor I’ve identified six types of lover, and each of these six types has a lot to recommend it – and also needs a lot of help at times. First there’s the lover I call The Innocent. The Innocent will fall in love whole-heartedly and be trusting and forgiving almost to a fault. If the Innocent can find another Innocent then all is well, but too often the more cynical and worldly will target this figure and make their life together hell. The Innocent is the woman or man who is long suffering, will work harder to remedy the partner’s shortcomings, and will cover for her lover – sometimes well past any reasonable expectation. All those excellent qualities tend to get exploited, and disrespected, when a cynical lover attaches to an Innocent. And we’ve all seen enough examples of that.

So what happens next? Well, most people get fed up with being badly treated and they looks for someone who will treat them reasonably well. The trouble is, they tend to lower their expectations in the process and become Orphans. Orphans look for any place that will accept them and offer emotional shelter. If two Orphans meet up they can be very strong together and deeply loyal, because they recognize that the world they know is imperfect and they have to help each other out. But the love may be a bit less than actually passionate. ‘A good team’ is not to be sneezed at, after all. Too often, though, the Orphan will look desperate (think Desperate Housewives) and will make poor choices out of that panicked sense of loneliness.

What can wreck even good Orphan relationships is if one or other partner gets restless and starts looking for ‘more’. That can be when affairs happen. It can also be when one partner just ups and leaves for no apparent reason. This is the Pilgrim stage, and like any Pilgrim he or she is looking for something, but isn’t sure quite what it is… Most of us become Pilgrims when we develop a new interest in some odd and perhaps outrageous hobby – and sometimes it can be a symptom of a deeper restlessness. The bank manager who takes up skydiving or the farmer’s wife who travels the world bungee-jumping are expressing this (and if you thought I made those two up, think again)… The midlife crisis can be a symptom of the Pilgrim who is not quite sure how to handle being a Pilgrim.

The Pilgrim is really a bit of a pain, since he or she has only a vague notion of what it is she’s looking for. But when this figure finds what he or she needs – then we have a huge shift. The lover who emerges at this point has absolutely decided that this is where real fulfillment lies. And so we have the quiet farm boy from Utah who decides he has to make his life in Portugal, or the truck driver from Wolverhampton who has a wife and family in a village in Rajhastan. The commitment may seem odd to some, but it is fierce and deep. That’s the Warrior-Lover, who is prepared to fight for what he loves and knows that it is worth fighting for. If two Warrior-Lovers get together their attachment can be impressive. They bring real trust and understanding to the relationship, and no problem is seen as insuperable. Mind you, things can go wrong. Orphans, who as we recall need shelter from life’s difficulties, tend to fall in love with Warrior-Lovers, and this can make for uncomfortable alliances. The Orphan wants to have the relationship stay the same. The Warrior-Lover demands that the relationship have a purpose, that it must grow. This is not a happy scenario. It’s like an argument between a person who wants to go to a local restaurant which is well known but a bit dull and the person who wants to go across town to try something new and unknown. Each is afraid that they won’t get what they want.

Two Warrior-Lovers, working together, begin to grow their sense of what a marvelous thing living together can be. Other people tend to notice this, and get inspiration from them. Warrior-Lovers, at base, have a way of bringing out the best in each other, looking past the faults and encouraging the good stuff. They do that to some extent with everyone they know, too, and pretty soon they find they’re leaders, of a sort, just by the strength of their example. If they take that awareness out into the larger world they may even become social organizers. And suddenly the definition of love has changed. It’s not just something that happens between two people as the final credits roll; it’s something that is about the way the vital connection of two people can translate into real caring for a wider community as well. Notice that. It’s not an either/or proposal. It’s both aspects at the same time. The person who is a dedicated doer of good works but has no personal life is not a true Warrior-Lover.

The Warrior-Lover, therefore, gradually grows and becomes the next stage, The Monarch. This is the figure who has absolute trust in his or her partner, and they both see themselves as functioning to bring more real love into the world. That means trusting others as well, delegating, nurturing. We can see this in families when the parents support their children but do not attempt to run their lives for them. The helicopter parent, always hovering near the child, does a vast amount to de-skill and disempower the child who knows she has only to squawk and mum will do her homework for her. That’s not much use to anyone. In contrast to this the Monarch sets limits, gives guidance, rewards, and when necessary punishes, and will take any childish tantrums in stride. For the Monarch it’s not about ‘me’ or ‘my family’; it’s always about what’s best for everyone.

At this point love has taken on a wider meaning. But no one can really get to that point without having experienced the previous stages.

The final stage is the Magician. No, it’s not Dumbledore, although Dumbledore’s gentleness might well be a good way to look at things. The real Magician in love is the one who can bring out the love that exists in anyone, usually by gentle acceptance, by reminding them of the best part of who they are. This might be grandma, who knows exactly what to say to little Freddy when no one else can make him listen. Magicians are skilled at changing the energy of a situation. So, for example, a squabbling couple may benefit from being reminded (by the Magician) that couples only fight because one of them wants to get closer than the other will allow. This is, in fact, true. A couple may be arguing because he leaves his dirty socks lying about, but the real issue is probably that the wife feels she’s being disrespected, and so is not being fully noticed by her husband. Seen this way, the fight stops being about the socks, or even about antagonism, and starts being about the question of closeness.

Once we know these six stages exist we can begin to see that we have, all of us, been in most of them at some point in our lives. The challenge is to be in the best possible place as much as we can manage. Some mornings we’ll wake up and feel like Orphans, as if we need someone to look after us. That’s fine, as long as you recognize that this might not be a complete life strategy. It’s just a feeling about today, and not a definition of who any of us must always be. If we ask ourselves honestly who we are when we’re in love we’ll save a lot of grief. We’ll also see who we can become – so that we’re able to be the best we can possibly be.